Fear of Rejection, Separation, Abandonment

I want to talk a little bit today the fear of rejection, fear of separation, or the fear of being abandoned, pushed away, or ending up alone.

When we have those types of fears running in our life, then we can get stuck in relationships that don’t serve us.

They usually benefit other people, like the guys you are with, but relationships are not meant to be one sided.

This is a really tough way to have a relationship, continually giving your power away through this fear of ending up alone.

So the question is.

Do YOU find yourself getting stuck in relationships for way too long that don’t benefit you?

Maybe you can’t handle your own company, or you feel you NEED other people around you – lots of people really struggle with being on their own for any period of time.

Maybe it’s a financial fear – I can’t make ends meet on my own etc.

Maybe you NEED a man there to make you feel safe.

The problem is, if we become needy we’re continually giving our power away and you can end up getting into relationships that don’t serve you through the fear of ending up alone.

If being on your own for any period of time really freaks you out, try this awareness exercise.

Have a look back at your childhood to see where this fear of being on your own might have come from. You may well have to ask your parents if they are still in your life, as this fear may have started really young – even all the way back to the womb!

You can actually feel your mother’s emotions as a fetus, and if your mother had any rejection, separation, abandonment fear going on with your father when she was carrying you, then this could set up a predisposition for you to be really sensitive to any fear of separation or abandonment.

Such a predisposition could affect EVERY relationship you ever have from then on.

Also, way too often in hospitals, mother and baby are separated at birth and not for life or death medical care. This would never happen in nature. Did that happen to you?

Of course, if there was a real emergency and you had to be placed in an incubator, then potentially you are going to be extremely sensitive to any abandonment or separation.

This can make it really challenging for any relationship with a guy. He’s not likely to ‘get’ why you are so sensitive when he just wants some space.

Maybe your mother wasn’t able to bond with you when you were small. Maybe she was struggling with postnatal depression or just not able to connect in an emotional way.

Maybe your father was distant, or there was little in the way of hugs or communication.

Or were there drink or drugs or mental health issues going on with your parents? (very common unfortunately).

Maybe you became the needy child and carried that neediness on to adulthood and like to cling to the guys you have been out with.

It’s really important that as children we feel safe and it’s really challenging to feel safe when there’s unpredictable behaviour going on with our parents or we feel we have to walk around on eggshells.

Did you have to take a big breath in before you opened the front door after school?

Did you never know for sure what the reaction was going to be when you walked in?

Emotionally, we have to feel loved and accepted and if a child’s emotional needs are not met, then it’s perfectly understandable why that child would grow up needy.

But then we carry the neediness story into all our relationships through fear:

  • Fear of him walking out,
  • Fear of his unpredictable behaviour,
  • Fear he’ll withhold his love and affection or even sex.

You may have been the apple of your dad’s eye and then at three years old a younger sister came along and you seemed to get less and less attention and felt pushed out, left out, ousted.

Or maybe your mum and dad separated when you were young, and as children do, you took it on yourself, thinking that it was your fault in some way.

Or if daddy left mum, did you think that meant he didn’t love you?

Have you become the needy one in a relationship that may have worked well in the beginning, especially if the guy was playing the saviour/rescuer/knight-in-shining-armour role, and loved you being all over him like a rash?

For most men the saviour role usually wears thin after a while when he finds out that he can never fill that void of neediness.

Most women that I have worked with over the years can’t even stand their own neediness let alone anyone elses.

Have a look back through your life at the repeating patterns in your relationships.

See if you can connect any patterns to fear of rejection, separation, or abandonment.

Know that any neediness connected to this abandonment fear, is not you.

It’s not your fault.

There are ALWAYS reasons why we behave in a certain way, and as ever the early life story is the predisposition for the fear and the behaviour that carries on being re-enacted all through our lives.

Or at least until we get a handle on the repeating story and make a choice as to how we want to play in our relationships from then on.

Awareness is always the first step, and well done for taking that one now.

Examine your most recent relationships.

See if you can spot any of the triggers that would put you into a spin of fear and negativity:

  • Is it every time he comes home and seems a bit distant?
  • Or a certain look?
  • Or a particular tone of voice?
  • Does he want to be with other people rather than you?

There’s great power in joining up the dots between the triggers in the present tense, then going back through your relationships to the earlier memories, and then softening how you feel about these fears in any way that feels right to you.

It’s really important to feel safe in any relationship.

If you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, just through the fear of ending up on your own, maybe it’s time to have a look at this one, track down where this fear came from and ask yourself if you are ready to let some of this fear go.

The benefit to you is that you are now making some “space” for the good guy that you deserve to come into your life!

As ever, I look forward to hearing any comments of what you have found that has been holding you stuck in  your own personal “fear of rejection, separation, abandonment story.”

I truly hope and pray that you are able to benefit from every word that I have written here so that you can meet the man that you have been looking for in the shortest possible time.

But if you would like even more benefit than I can offer here, then I would love you to join the wonderful community of “Inside Daters” where you can take the fast track and feast on an abundance of videos (and much much more) from myself in 3 different sections.

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The self judgement that stops that guy coming close.

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Feeling used in relationships.

Are your trust issues getting in the way of love.

Fear of rejection/separation/abandonment.

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Attracting guys who lack emotional maturity.

The I’m not enough story.

Fear of rejection.

Self judgement.

Trust issues.

Can’t let go of my ex.

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Judgement and taking things personally.

Fear in relationships & in life.

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I look forward to connecting with you very, very soon

Bill Tucker X

© Bill Tucker & Dating Inside Secrets 2019

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