Are You Dating And Taking Knock Backs Personally?
Are You Dating And Taking Knock Backs To Heart?
The dating world can be pretty tough for women at the best of times, but when you’re taking the knock backs, no’s, and rejections to heart, it can soon become a nightmare.
As in daily life, anything we take personally is really difficult to deal with.
But it’s highly likely the guy isn’t taking the ups and downs personally at all.
Stuff happens in people’s lives: work stuff, family stuff, health stuff. You can’t assume you’re the reason for someone else’s behaviour.
Assumptions are dangerous things.
They’re invariably wrong!
Let’s consider some of the reasons why guys don’t get back in touch:
- He’s too busy
- He’s met up with an ex, quite by chance
- He’s found another girl he’s more drawn to, or with whom he’s got more in common
Maybe he had the time and/or the money or even the health to be able to meet initially but his circumstances have changed. Some guys feel too embarrassed to admit that they can’t now do what they promised when they first got in touch.
I’ve heard of guys with children who’ve had to give up on dating because their ex found out and threatened to stop them seeing their kids if they dated someone else.
Maybe there are colour or cultural differences between you both and someone in his family intervened (heaven forbid his mother) to steer them away from the relationship. The fact is, you don’t know what’s going on in his life when you build your hopes up that this guy might be the one.
Playing the field is, of course, very common on the dating sites.
- Maybe he’s just a game player
- Maybe he’s just unavailable and not able to commit to any relationship
Men may want to or think they can, but when push comes to shove, they just can’t commit to one woman.
A lot of guys on the Internet dating sites, particularly the free ones, are like kiddies in a sweetie shop with way too much choice of goodies.
- “Look at this girl.”
- “No, look at this one.”
- “OMG, look at this one.”
Their attention spans are more gnat than goldfish!
It’ll take a while or the 12th of never before they’re committed!
But taking it personally?
If you’re going to take it personally when he doesn’t call you when he said he would or stops communicating altogether, you’ll be like a learner driver trying to do their first hill start.
Forward a bit, no stop— oops, going backwards.
Stalled. Start again, there I go — no, false start.
You get the gist.
Now the dreaded self-judgement comes out to play:
- It must be me
- I’m not good enough
- Or tall, or pretty, or whatever enough
Or whatever track keeps going round and round in your head.
Then here come the unhelpful negative beliefs:
- That’s what always happens to me
- I’m just no good at this dating lark
- I’m just no good in love etc etc.
Most of us take any form or rejection personally.
We’re human beings. That’s what we do!
Then we find something to cling on to as a justifiable reason to beat up on ourselves!
It’s really beneficial to try and take some of this stuff less personally.
Not least because you’re potentially putting yourself out there and much more open for rejection.
Some you win.
Some you don’t.
Next!
That type of attitude is much easier on the emotions in dating.
Rejection is just a part of everyday life.
But in the dating world even tiny things that wouldn’t normally bother you seem to be right up there in front of your face.
Again, it’s not personal.
A profile isn’t much to go on. It may not even be honest.
A profile doesn’t tell you what’s really going on in a man’s life. It certainly won’t tell you what his fears and insecurities are. It’s the rare man who reveals his vulnerabilities in public!
You don’t even know who the guy really is in real life. There may only be an element of truth in there to go on. And remember, whatever is there will only be his best side!
I know it seems really strange when a guy who was all over you like a rash in the beginning suddenly shuts you out.
One week he’s sending you lovey-dovey messages a couple or more times a day, chatting late into the night on messenger, maybe even meeting up and starting to make plans for the future – then nothing.
One minute he’s filling up your inbox and the next minute you’re refreshing the dating site thinking that it must be down.
Maybe you had to beat him back with a big stick but now he won’t even return your calls.
If you’re going,
“What did I do wrong?”
“What did I say?”
“Maybe my mother was right, no man will want me.” Blah blah.
Know that this self-judgement, what you’re feeling because he doesn’t seem to want you now, is part of a long running story that goes way back, deep into your childhood.
As children we soak up criticisms and put-downs like sponges and they erode our fragile self worth and made us feel “less than” about ourselves.
It’s a really good idea to soften how you feel about yourself so that you can let go of attracting the game players or the non-committal men.
Check in:
- To discover if there’s a part of you that’s not fully congruent with committing to any man again for whatever reason.
- To look for any repeating patterns in past relationships.
Have the same stories been repeating for a while now?
Can you see similarities between the behaviour of your ex and the behavior of the guys you’re attracting?
Because the truth is:
Nature always gives us another opportunity to heal our past pain.
Now that’s a real bummer and, of course, we don’t want this to keep happening, BUT until we resolve or at the very least soften how we feel about this stuff then it is going to keep happening.
Nature doesn’t take any prisoners, and that’s just how it is.
Remember when your mother said, “Eat your vegetables, they’re good for you”? Nature does it’s own version. And that’s not to be taken personally either!
Do the best you can to be gentle on yourself.
Look for any repeating patterns going on in your dating.
Keep going back to the young origins of your self-judgements.
Check in:
- How do you feel?
- How does his behaviour make you feel?
- Why is it, do you think, that you’re taking knock backs personally?
Even go back to the first boy who ever left you for another girl, the one who rejected you. He may even be your first true love, the one who broke your heart.
Don’t be fooled into thinking,
“Well that was so long ago, it couldn’t possibly be affecting me now in the present tense.”
Human beings are too darned good at pushing down emotional pain. Sometimes we do it for life!
Maybe your dad walked out on your mum and you took it personally that, “My daddy didn’t love me.”
Don’t underestimate the importance of looking at the long catalogue of stories in our lives that are getting re-triggered in the present tense.
Different people Different circumstances Same old stuff
That stuff is what can be making you feel “less than” in some way, jilted, let down, left, rejected, not wanted.
Sometimes a man’s absence will make neither rhyme nor reason. The important thing is to be able to shrug your shoulders and deal with any of the criticisms and judgements that your past stories are dredging up to haunt you.
Acknowledge and honour those parts of you that feel “less than”. But don’t forget to acknowledge and honour the parts of you that feel good!
I can promise you that you are much more worthy than you could possibly imagine, and certainly worthy of much better treatment than the behaviour you’ve allowed yourself to feel bad about.
