Fear of being judged for using a dating site
Do you have the fear of people judging you if they found out how you met your man.
I hear this more and more from ladies in their 40s upwards who had been married for most of their life, or maybe it’s been a long time since they have been in the dating scene.
Lots of women compare their first relationships and how they met guys back then, maybe through family and friends, at work, church, college, university, or through sports, hobbies, music, drama etc.
Back then, especially as we were growing up, we still lived in the local area and potentially knew a lot more people, but as we grow up people move away from their home town for various reasons and don’t tend to have such a big circle to draw on.
Back then when you were dating, I guess that most of your friends were single in the same situation and dating was just a normal part of life.
And of course for most of us in mid life, there was no internet dating back then, because there was no internet.
I know we didn’t even have a telephone in our family as I was growing up.
When people get married it is all too easy to lose touch with friends, especially after having children, then most folks become more family insular with most of their time taken up with being there for the children.
Later on after breaking up with your husband or last partner, you realise that you have a very small circle of available men to connect with.
You have to do something!
And then you hear of internet dating from one of your friends and with a bit of persuasion, you tiptoe into the realms of the unknown.
Now like anything new, this can be scary for the first time. Especially with the fear mongers recounting their last horror stories to you.
And of course, like anything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages and maybe you have found out a few of those already.
But there are disadvantages in the offline world as well. Most women that I speak with who are a little bit older, as well as some younger, feel really uncomfortable walking into a bar on their own or even with a female friend.
But if you did pluck up the courage to venture into the bar and if you did see a guy you liked the look of, the next problem is, until you introduce yourself and start a conversation, you don’t know anything about him.
Not all married men wear a ring for instance, most guys with girlfriends don’t wear a ring either. There could be lots of reasons when after an initial introduction and spending some time together, you truly wished you hadn’t.
Finding out the basics about a guy can be a slow process.
Sure you get to see him in 3D and not just a selfie picture, but it does take a bit of time to go through your mental check list while trying to look casual at the bar.
And of course at the end of the night if there was any sort of connection at all, and you wanted to see him again. There would have to be some form of exchange of personal details like, phone number, email, Facebook profile etc.
But you still don’t know a lot about him. Apart from your gut instinct. And can you trust your gut after the past failures in love?
You know that you never want to be exchanging details or even going out with any guy that you don’t trust or feel safe with for any reason. Period!
Online you have at least some of the relevant details to fill in your check list. Assuming there is some truth in his profile that is 🙂
Not to mention the past their sell by date pictures!
I heard of one guy in Glastonbury UK who went out on a date with a friend of mine who turned up on the first date with a tiny bar of cadburys chocolate and wearing a moustache.
Now, nothing wrong with that you may say, even though this guy had a clean upper lip on his profile picture.
Having a drink at the bar with him and pressing him on the mustache and lack of resemblance to the profile picture, this jerk finally admitted that the picture belonged to his better looking brother which of course is the reason why he thought it would be acceptable to use that one instead of his own.
She finished her drink, slipped the tiny bar of chocolate in her pocket and left him at the bar.
He tried to follow her out muttering that he didn’t know what the problem was and that she was overreacting.
As in life, anytime someone describes themselves, just take it with a pinch of salt, while also looking for the best in people.
Obviously everyone wants to show their best side when meeting someone new.
But a woman is much better than a man at using all her senses to know what’s right and what’s wrong. The problem sometimes comes in following through though.
For our own expectations and judgements can play havoc with our senses.
Now back to the fear that someone will judge you for meeting your new man on a dating site.
Which of course is none of their business in the first place, but we are all human beings and seem to care way too much what other people think of us.
Time moves on, and would we want to go back to the days of the old black and white TV’s, and no internet. The internet is truly a gift when we use it wisely.
Imagine if someone told you 50 years ago that you could sit anywhere in public, at home, on a train, a bus, and connect via your laptop/Ipad/tablet and communicate with anyone anywhere in the world (not to mention, meet your potential partner).
How awesome is this gift!
We couldn’t even have imagined how our life could be transformed.
And here we are with some folks looking at internet dating as if it is something to be shunned as if there is something wrong with it and the people who use it. How strange!
This fear of being judged by people who found out how you met your guy is easily solved. YOU don’t have to tell them anything!
If you arranged to have a first date at a cafe or pub, then from then on, to all intents and purposes. That is where you met your man.
Of course you can tell your trusted friends who have open minds in the 21st century that you met your guy through internet dating.
But to any of those judgmental folks, tell them what you want. It truly has nothing to do with them. Even if it’s family members!
But of course you also have to deal with how YOU feel about where you met this new guy.
Because if it is a big judgement thing for you, then it will also be for other people. But if you are comfortable with it, then there is no problem whatsoever.
You will also be hard pushed to not meet anyone in recent dating times, who has used internet dating or doesn’t know of anyone who met someone via internet dating.
You will also meet many couple who are more than happy letting you know that they met each other online. And they don’t even bat an eyelid when telling you.
The truth is when you can acknowledge yourself for being proactive to change your life for the better, then the less it will bother you what other people think.
Would you rather be alone and not wanting to be, or taking action and be open to the possibilities of meeting the man of your dreams.
There are always going to be judgmental people in the world. In fact, the world could do with a few less.
Bear in mind that when someone is judgmental about others, that tells you what they think of themselves. The more they judge themselves, the more they judge other people.
It can’t be otherwise.
Or if you find yourself judging yourself a bit too harshly, you are going to end up judging other people.
You know what it’s like when you are having a kind “me” day and feeling good about yourself, then everyone else seems to be so much nicer and you start noticing nice qualities in them that you didn’t notice before.
Judgement is massive in society. It’s so insidious and seems to be woven into the fabric of western society. This gets handed down from family to family and it’s just a means of externalising their pain, to judge another human being.
Judgement is also a means of control.
You can control anyone through fear of judgment if you start them young enough.
Look around you to see how much judgment or fear of judgment there is in society, from the church, the government, police, courts, school, and of course in your family.
It’s perfectly understandable where all this stuff comes from being handed down through the centuries, and of course not so long ago if you were judged to be wrong/bad in any way you could be ex communicated from the church/village and sent out to starve.
So our job is to get out and stay out of the judgement pain as much as we possibly can or at the very least, soften any judgement that we feel on ourself and the judgement pain that was handed down to us as children to keep us under control.
As you may know, I am passionate about taking action as this is when all the magic happens in our life.
But only when we start IMPLEMENTING this knowledge rather than just reading it.
For without implementation, knowledge is useless.
Try this as a daily exercise for a week.
I want you to be the observer of how often you judge yourself. In any way large and small, every day.
Make a note, but without judging yourself for noticing yourself judging yourself 🙂
Just be the observer.
Now for the next week, I again want you to be the observer, now noticing everyone around you and how often they appear to judge you, themselves or anyone else.
This two week exercise will blow you away.
It is sad and humbling at the same time.
But also massively beneficial, to witness first hand how much vital energy is used up in punishing ourself and other people through judgement and blame rather than honouring our own judgement and letting other people be to live their own life.
I will take a guess that you will now look at fellow human beings with much more compassion than you ever did before. And hopefully yourself as well.
I truly want you to soften how you feel about this fear of being judged by other people by softening the judgement you have upon yourself.
This was all dumped on you in childhood by the way.
If you wanted to take the quick route to soften any self judgment of fear of being judged by others then I would love to be able to help you even more than I can here.
While becoming the best version of you that you possibly could be.
And honour yourself right now for being here.
Because I have never heard of anyone being judged for taking proactive action to improve their life.
And that includes you meeting the man of your dreams.
But if you are looking for even more benefit than I can offer here, then I would love you to join me as an “Inside Dater”
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The differences between men and women.
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Here’s a small sample of the transformational videos in the Relationship section …
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Fear of rejection.
Self judgement.
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Can’t let go of my ex.
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Click on The Link Below To Find Out More
I look forward to connecting with you very, very soon
Bill Tucker x
© Bill Tucker & Dating Inside Secrets 2019
