Are you comparing yourself to other women?
Are you busy playing the Comparison Game?
Do you go scanning other woman’s profiles on the dating sites?
Go on admit it 🙂
It’s a natural thing for a woman to do, for woman’s identity is really important to her:
- I’m not as pretty as her
- I’m not as tall as her
- I’m not as clever
- She’s much more interesting than I am
- My profile is boring compared to hers.
Sound familiar?
Comparing ourselves to others seems to be ingrained in us as children in the west. It’s almost woven into the fabric of society.
But every time we compare ourselves to anyone else in a negative way we are just beating up on ourselves.
And human beings are extremely good at doing that already. We don’t need any more excuses to do a number on ourselves.
The comparison game in life is tough enough, but it ramps up a notch or two, when a woman is in “competition” with other women for a new man. Then it can get downright CRAZY!
Beating up on herself is the last thing any woman who’s struggling to feel good about herself wants to be doing, particularly if she’s no man in her life and wants to attract one!
A client of mine recently told me that she had hundreds of messages on the dating sites, but was so busy looking at the other women’s profiles and comparing herself to them, that she simply wasn’t answering the deluge of messages from men.
She didn’t answer the inboxes. She deleted most of them!
Most women worry about what other women are thinking about them.
But the truth is that the other women are too busy worrying about what other women are thinking of them to be thinking about you!
It’s a crazy game.
I’ve worked with countless women over the years who were kind, caring, with lovely personalities, some had even been blessed with stunning good looks, and yet they were all still comparing themselves to other women.
Whoever told them that story that they weren’t good enough, or not enough was wrong. It’s all lies, it’s all wrong!
It’s really time to become aware of your gifts, to recognise who you are, what you bring to this world for yourself, your friends, your family, your work colleagues, and to let go of this comparison game, because the truth is that everyone else is fearing being compared as well.
Building the wall one judgement at a time
The truth is when you are looking for a good man to fall in love with, this comparison, judging, beating up on yourself game is building a wall between you and the guy you’re looking for.
It’s like moving into a new house and wanting to meet and become friends with your new neighbour.
Imagine how impossible that would be if you started to build a wall in the boundary between your two houses, every day adding some more bricks to your wall, then wondering why you can’t connect with your new neighbour!
That would be crazy wouldn’t it!
Just because we can’t see our personal “energetic wall” it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.
I can promise you that it does.
I want to help you knock down the inner judgement/comparison wall piece by piece.
In life we put up these walls to keep us safe, to keep people out for one reason or another, but in doing so we also keep ourselves in.
For most people this is the way that we have been brought up and almost by osmosis got sucked into the destructive judgement story.
Eventually the walls become the internal prison you’re now stuck inside, locking out at all the good things that you want on the other side – yes, including that good man.
It’s such nonsense to be wasting our valuable life in self-judgement or fear of being judged.
Here’s a little exercise that will help you to start letting this stuff go.
Choose a favourite location where you can do some people watching: sitting outside a nice cafe, a shopping mall perhaps, the gym, railway stations, an airport.
Wherever is practical for you.
It’s best to do this on your own, but at the very least, don’t invite any negative friends along when you try this exercise.
I don’t like rules but I’d prefer you to abide by my 2 people watching rules:
Rule 1
Set your intention before you start. You’re just going to “watch” WITHOUT judgement, without criticism.
I want you to see how long you last before judgements and comparisons start creeping into your head. You might find yourself reacting to how the people are dressed, how they look, how they walk, who they’re with, how they talk etc etc.
Rule 2
As soon as you catch yourself judging someone else in a negative way, immediately say to yourself.
Hello, there’s a part of me judging myself today, because if there wasn’t a part of me judging myself then I wouldn’t be able to judge this person.
I now honour this judgmental part of myself.
The truth is this:
- when we judge another human being, we’re judging ourselves,
- when we criticize another person, we’re criticizing ourselves,
- when we put another person down, we’re putting ourselves down,
Every single time!
People tell you more about themselves by how they talk about other people and the words that they are using, because really this is how they feel about themselves.
The words we choose reflect how we really feel about ourselves.
It’s all part of the inner comparison/internal judgement game that humans habitually play.
Please recognise that:
- you will never run out of people to compare yourself with,
- you will always find someone, in any area of life, who is better than you in some way.
There will always be someone better at music, drama, sport, cooking etc. than you.
There will always be someone better looking, with a more toned body. There’ll even be someone more caring etc.
That’s just life, there is always someone better.
And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best you can be, there’s also nothing wrong with acknowledging that someone is better than you are at something, and even praising them for it.
If I’m in the gym and catch myself comparing myself to other guys who are in better shape (whether they’re 40 years younger than me or not lol!) I say (in my best Scottish accent, of course),
“Oh hello the judge is out to play today is it?”
As soon as I hear that old train wreck of negative comparison in my head, I reframe it by saying something positive like this,
“I have massive respect for every fellow member in this gym right now, all of whom are willing to put in the time and effort to be the best version of themselves that they can be.
And i’m proud to be one of them.”
How awesome is it for me to be part of this membership, to feel connected to this group of people in this moment in time, just by letting go of my internal critique?
For in this moment, I am now in a place of zero resistance and zero comparison.
Zero resistance and zero comparison is our natural state.
I really want to help you “soften” how you feel about yourself and others in this comparison game that no one wins.
Why would any guy choose you while you are busy comparing yourself (in a negative way) to other women?
You might as well wave a flag at him that says, choose the other woman, she’s better than me.
Play with the people watching awareness exercise. Soften how you feel in the comparison game.
It’s just a form of self-punishment. That’s all it is!
When you acknowledge who you are, when you honour the true essence of who you are, you are now the girl the guy wants to choose. Your wall is down.
Acknowledge and honour other human beings for who they are. Admire their gifts, their beauty, their intelligence, their creativity.
If I’m walking past a guy in the gym who looks good in my eyes, I will tell him, “Good shape man” and no matter how big or threatening he appears, he’ll immediately soften and smile. “Thanks man, really appreciate that.”
We are all little children inside who want to feel good.
The more you acknowledge and honour yourself from the inside out, the less you’ll get stuck in the comparing game.
Comparing oneself to someone else is great way to disconnect from other people. See for yourself.
Try it the other way.
The next time you’re feeling good about yourself for any reason, notice how everyone around you seems to be nicer all of a sudden.
Coincidence? Maybe not.
Disconnection from yourself and ANYONE else is enough to put the wall up between you and the guy you’re looking for.
Just like we can’t selectively lose weight and lose the fat from just one area of our body, we can’t shut ANYONE out without it affecting EVERY area of our life in some way.
Look for ANY areas of your life where you’re shutting people out.
If there are people in your past who’ve caused you pain, you don’t have to forgive and love them, but just soften how you feel about what happened back then and how you feel in the present moment.
If there are people in your life that you find “difficult”, notice something positive about them, then let them know how much you respect or admire them for that.
Or let them go 🙂
The better you feel about yourself, the quicker that wall will come down so you can meet that guy
Don’t believe me? Try these techniques and see.
——————————
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